WASHINGTON D.C. — Military analysts are reeling today after high-resolution satellite imagery revealed that the “oil slicks” previously reported in the Strait are actually massive, shimmering herds of the legendary Whore Moose.
The situation reached a fever pitch this morning when General Grumpy of the Strategic Command confirmed that global trade has come to a standstill. “The intelligence reports are deeply concerning,” the General stated while staring intensely at a map of the Strait. “They’re fabulous, they’re majestic, and frankly, they’re not moving for anyone.”
However, relief may be on the way. In a high-stakes phone call from an undisclosed pool location, a very buoyant source confirmed he is taking personal charge of the crisis.
“They’re tremendous moose, the best! But I’ll move them. Believe me, I’ll move these ‘Whore Moose’ like no one has ever moved them before! Faster than anybody! It’ll be beautiful… many people are saying it! Just watch!”
While the world waits for the “greatest moose-moving ever seen,” experts warn that the sheer amount of sequins and antler-glitter visible from the stratosphere could cause permanent lens flare on international spy satellites.
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